how strange it is to be anything at all

i've become so angry and unhappy lately. i don't like that. i need to remember to always love people and always forgive people no matter how tough it is and never let bitterness sow a seed, ever. it will never be worth it. 

when your old ways and thoughts creep up on you...... forgive, and let it go. let everything go. bitterness will ruin you. and i want joy. and i want to work this. 

i wanted to spend time at home to pack and shit but truth is in this house i don't really have to do much to survive. food's all provided i don't even have to go to the market. i don't have to care about sorting and hanging laundry, or changing my sheets... or vacuuming. or the weather to do laundry. basically it has brought me to a new level of LAZY. so what do i do? i get a job. 

i started interning at some kind of integrated marketing place. a pr firm, but i don't do pr (hahaha phew... media monitoring is not fun) but i can't quite decide what i want to do for the rest of my life. i used to want to be a copywriter and i still think my first love is in tv commercials but there are truly many things i want to do for a living. but what i really mean is that i don't know specifically what i want to do because there are too many things i want to do (and not because i'm one of those generic jc grads with no freakin clue about anything.... as usual). i can't even figure out who my friends are to me right now but i will just say that in the end it's always the same comfortable group and it's not as cool or exciting as you envisioned but people will be people and they will always love you  

but anyway here's a thought. the other day i was talking to my grandma about religion. she said that sometimes in church she sits in the side aisles because the pastor is so boring and when you sit at the side no one really sees when you doze off. but if you sit in the middle pews then you have to pay attention all the way. i thought that was just true about church (most times). generally makes you want to doze off generally makes you uninterested generally sad. but i was also thinking about how much i love the word of God these days..... because i really see no other way for me. 

so gran was saying.... that people don't need religion. that granddad used to say that religion was just for people who weren't sure of themselves. like if you had to rely on a god then it just shows how you don't really rely on yourself. like you're a weaker person than all the other people. i know what she's talking about. it makes sense i guess. coz she accepted christ only when she was in the midst of fighting cancer and granddad accepted christ days before he died. so basically.... it's like how you never had any intention of accepting the idea of God into your life but when you are really at your wits' end.... you say ok. 

she shared with me a story about how there was a day when grandpa and uncle soon choo went fishing and the boat started to sink and water got in to the boat and they spent hours trying to pour the water out... and it was then that they thought they might die. but then a malay fisherman passed and saved them. anyway grandpa said it was at that moment when he started to question the idea of god. like if god exists and if there was a god why wouldn't god save us and if we're going to capsize and die now then would we go to heaven. so the idea was that you would only think about god right at the moment before your death. then the idea of god seemed like a lifeline...... like a lifeboat. like a life jacket. you know how you really begin to think of these things when you're really about to die. i think it's because humans innately all wonder about god but their world says it's not a feasible or logical idea so they kick it out of their head. 

and then i thought that she is right. 

because i thought about all the times of near death in my life. and perhaps this 'religion' or faith business is really for the weak, and then you can call me weak and i wouldn't care anymore. because EVERYONE KNOWS I AM WEAK. everyone who reads this blog has seen me cry.... seen me dazed and not wanting to save my own boat. seen me on a sinking boat. seen me maybe want to give up on things and seen me screaming and crying ask why i do this to myself. but relating back to the story above, if people only think about god when they are at the point where they are about to die... then i guess that's how i found mine. and perhaps i've never been suicidal enough to quantify my 'death' as a proper death, but to me it counts no less. i've been there, and i'm back. and now i'd acknowledge that i am weak, that's why i need god. 

self explained header in this post. so glad for friends like therese and jiahui. actually i haven't seen many people since i came back and i don't know who else i have to see. but anyway it's been nice and it's gonna be super nice! woo  

today i spent hours in the library trying to study with my new friend joyce, and then afterwards i decided to drop in on suzanne because i'm not going to see her anymore. and basically hung out with her for a little while she packed for going to sydney and it was so nice talking and i was thinking about how she was one of my first friends here and still is such a sweet sweet soul. then i rushed to leb's place because i said i'd help her meet the buyer for her two mattresses... but i kind of forgot that it was a potentially dangerous situation because i didn't know who i was going to meet (what if he tried to kill me!). normally i really wouldn't mind, but this was different because leb was gone and her neighbours (janice and josh) had completely vacated their home too and most people around were gone, and while i was walking from UQ lakes to macquarie street i was just thinking about how empty everything looks. john oxley walk looks empty. not many people running or walking (or maybe it was late, but it looked lonelier than usual). college kids had gone back for christmas and summer holidays. not many cars around, not really anyone playing tennis or people around the track. and usually there would be people around the boat house washing their canoes..... but it was empty. and i got a bit sad (and perhaps scared) 

anyway i just walked briskly to leb's place and found the buyer standing below the apartment block. the street was really completely empty save for the fallen flowers and random parked cars, so... i guessed it was them. i was so glad that they were a 'them', they were a couple from malaysia. and they had just moved to brisbane from singapore where he was working previously and they had no friends and they live in runcorn and they were happy to meet me too as i was to see them and they were glad for the conversation too. AND the man volunteered to drive me home. i refused at first but his wife said it was dark outside and told me i could, so i just followed them. and also the man said "next time if you got any trouble, call me!" which was nice and comforting but totally funny coz that's spoken like a true gangster and i only met them for 5 minutes before he said this and i didn't tell them i was going back soon. i said i was not going to graduate yet because i didn't feel like elaborating so they will be surprised if they never see me again. even though he's my wingman now (i must emphasise that he gave himself the job... "anything call me!"). i also realise i type with a lot of brackets. ha 

a lot of times when i meet people i know i'll never see again i don't really like to tell the truth. i don't know, maybe you'd just say i was strange or that i was a chronic liar but it's more like raju the swami - if u ever had the misfortune of reading this incredibly boring book by narayan as i did, you would understand that i make these identities for myself as an ESCAPE. just as bollywood is an escape for ordinary indian people in india that's how bollywood is so stylised and fantasised and wacky and spectacular all at once because it provides an escape! and i'm not escaping anything because it's terrible it's just that i know too much useless information about alternate lives and personalities and possibly escaping that i guess i subconsciously live it. or that i'm a chronic liar. 

then i came home and dropped by west end for a bit because i wanted to meet gabriella but i went outside her house and waited and her phone had no signal after three tries so i just went home because i'm supposed to have a quiz tomorrow. but i'll never see her again, so.... bye gabriella. 

anyway the malaysian couple put a new thought in my head. i could apply for temporary residence and then rent a place while working part time (in f&b, or retail, or whatever casual job) and i could possibly still earn quite a bit of money. i'll think about that later on.... but i'm still going to have to fly home for now anyway. 

going to see the yayoi kusuma (i love saying yayoi kusuma hehe) exhibit at goma with natalie and wayne tomorrow and then mission impossible in the evening. IT IS NICE. THANK U WORLD FOR (STILL) BEING KIND. 

said goodbye to patrick today coz he's flying off tonight. 
eugene goes home tomorrow (and i haven't even seen him in weeks! haven't said goodbye!) 
leb, janice and josh, jocelyn and emi, jeen, aaron, kenneth and probably ernest (and basically the whole world) leaves the day after
suzanne, and gab are flying to sydney and melbourne the day after
then we have christmas weekend where i see all my remaining friends one last time 
and then cintia goes to melbourne on boxing day go i say goodbye to her then too 

basically this means i won't see most people forever (if they're here and i'm in singapore, then no) and it's incredibly tough. i want to cry! being friends with people and then never getting to be around them again. 

i will love you guys FOREVER. fiercely and loyally and thank you for everything. i am on the verge of tears. thank you. 

i was sitting around tonight when i suddenly felt words and a thought in my head. i suddenly thought of the line "i wanna wake up kicking and screaming" from the Awakening by Switchfoot. and then it brought me back to a time in my life where every problem was much smaller. brought me back to the time i saw switchfoot in singapore, with people i don't talk to anymore (cept valerie, maybe). thought about how great i felt to be at that place at that time but how young i was (but didn't know it then). 

i swear switchfoot makes me feel infinite. this is kind of a weird entry but switchfoot you do a very good job of making me feel infinite. thank you.

today morning i woke up thinking that i wanted to go to the west end market to buy farmer's honey for mum, and then i decided that i didn't want to go alone, and then i realised that after this weekend (where i didn't make it to the market), there are no more weekends in brisbane forever. no more chances to buy farmer's honey. this sucks 

i think today concludes a very busy november and december. i've been... busy. 

i ended my exams on 7 november and then i've pretty much been up and about all for the whole month. there have been a massive amount of things, like lisa's visit, then kristal's visit. then going to melbourne. then coming back for week of school. then on weekends there have been fun times like playing soccer and badminton and teaching patrick how to drive. and then my family coming here. and traveling and having so much fun with them. and then now. 

things i have done / experienced in this period (not an exhaustive list)
- bought things: went to harbourtown at gold coast two times (once by public transport with lisa and once with the family) and the DFO south wharf in south melbourne and the DFO airport in brisbane and on top of all the DFOs just general consumering heaps of things like useless books. 
- alternate sleeping arrangements: stayed at a noisy backpackers at the gold coast, slept in lydia's place in south bank, slept at a rental apartment in maroochydore
- transport joys and woes: missing buses and trains to gold coast by mere seconds. getting massively lost in gold coast and being held up by the retarded gold coast buses because they were unclear and went all sorts of wrong ways and it was annoying and shit (i will really never go to gold coast again unless someone is driving). oversleeping and missing my flight to melbourne while kristal missed hers back to perth. being so busy then screwing up my own airport transfers in melbourne and having to pay twice for airport transfers (on top of having to pay for the flight i did not make it on to!). once we had the car it was mostly peaceful.
- chocolate: basically like max b's for mocha or a soy cap with chocolate drizzled on it or something (omg) or italian hot chocs at la dolce vita or san churro (which we found quite accidentally at sunshine plaza in maroochydore, that's the sunshine coast and it was divine). in my opinion they rank 2, 3 and 1 respectively but who cares about my opinion ho ho
- being a tour guide 3x
- beaches: main beach on the gold coast where i picked up some shells i don't know whatever for, lennox heads for surfing lessons, maroochydore which was freakin gorgeous, byron bay
- korean food: (frequency of korean food eating since 7 nov in this order) korean fried chicken at that basement fried chicken place at elizabeth arcade, maru with lydia and kristal on the night she arrived, maru again with jia and mark and mum where we had a pot of kimchi jjigae with a bunch of pork belly i didn't want to eat because i'm generally don't really like pork and this (only the pork) tasted totally like a pile of lard, maru again a few nights later where the barbecued pork belly on the grill this time was a redeemer and we had soju like real korean dudes. then hanwoori for a buffet a few days later. last night i was in sunnybank with some friends and when we almost went to maru in sunnybank and i was freaking out internally. ha
- sports: but i can't really call it exercise coz they were sports but hardly workouts. like roller blading at st kilda in a dress and falling in front of my friends. runs in the morning with j. badminton at logan and soccer at toombul... surfing lessons at lennox heads. 
- ARCHIVE BAR: went there three times in two weeks. mostly because they have Little Creatures on tap
- others that i am lazy to write about: alley bars in melbourne, brunch food, markets and market food\
(crap i didn't realise how much detail i was adding when i was writing this but now i am tired so i'm not going to go on)

when i was going through it i didn't think it was divine or amazing but it probably will seem better one day when i think about this time of my life. so much my life here is so similar to my life back home. practically everyone i do stuff with is from home (singapore). and then it feels like this entire uni experience has been so migrant-like. like you essentially have the same life in a different place. 

so anyway, jia and mark finally left this morning. mark went out really early to buy a last shirt from general pants (what a shopper!) while jia drove me home. and thus concludes my two weeks of being completely mobile (can't emphasise enough how much it sucks to be immobile when you don't have a car). and i was wearing my steve madden wedges from last night but they broke so i threw them into the bin at south bank and then was walking into the coffee shop and around south bank barefoot.

don't know what this is about, except that i want to go home soon. my real home. 

i was just thinking today how much i really hate asian parents. most of them. i get that by addressing 'asian' and 'parent' i am addressing anyone who is asian and a parent but i'm really addressing the stereotypical asian parent. you know, those people who are parents who will call up their friend who has a child in the same grade as their child to ask about grades (go fuck yourself), parents who will not allow their kids to touch dogs because they are "dirty" (when i was younger and more feisty like i am today i'd say something like "why would you say my dog is dirty what makes you think you're so clean"), parents who make their kids do everything for them especially if you are the youngest child in terms of birth order (get me my tea. get me the newspaper. run to the shops to get me a coffee.) or if you were born a male in your home you have to do all the tasks and if you were a female you will have to do all the female tasks...

no real point to this entry i just hate parents who try to micro manage every single detail. like "don't do this like that, do it like that" or "don't drink apple juice with ice", "you will eat bak kut teh for lunch" (i heard the last two statements at the great world city food court. like mum telling her offspring who are as old as i am exactly what to eat at the food court...... i mean, seriously

i also am not saying there are many more merits to western ideas of parenting and there are many things that they do badly. but i just can't stand seeing asian parents expecting this and that from their children and not really being a good parent themselves....

perhaps this post gets at nothing and no one. just saying.